Zoom Discussion
Facilitator: Lance Lockwood
Topic: How can we create more peace and love with our significant other?
11/1/2020
This topic will cover all relationships in our life.
Taken from Lori Deschene, founder of the publication “Tiny Buddha”
We make countless mistakes in relationships. We expect too much, or not asking for what we need in fear of rocking the boat. We are sometimes too competitive, too suspicious or too dependent; all in the quest for that perfect something.
Being self-aware, is far more valuable than being perfect-mostly because the former is attainable and helpful, while the latter is neither.
Question: Should we strive for:
- Perfection
- Improvement
- Awareness
We know that relationships are not easy. We have thoughts and feelings that can be confusing to us. When acted upon inappropriately, they could have damaging effects on a relationship.
Lori Deschene came up with a list of ideas that, when applied, she feels could help us to feel confident, strong, compassionate and peaceful in our relationships. Whether it is with our spouse, significant other, friend, family member or coworker.
Our discussion today is to look at these suggestion, and talk to the benefits, detriment, challenges in implementing each into your daily life.
- Do what you need to do for you (with below commentary summary)
- We tend to put others first. Maybe need of approval
- Doing what is best for you, may ultimately be doing what is best for others
- Hard for women—thought by society to put others first. Taking care of home and family before self. New generation is changing
- Do what you need for you to serve the great good?
- Give people the benefit of the doubt (with below commentary summary)
- Some people have egos and self-esteem problems. How do we get around this natural tendency?
- Never attribute to malice when it could be stupidity. Give benefit of doubt
- Allow people the opportunity to prove themselves.
- Be open to others ideas and learning, and not take it personally.
- Approach to this depends on the type of relationship. If you see patterns with friends that have to right all the time.
- Look at yourself for the problem first (with below commentary summary)
- Take a long hard look at self first before dealing with difficult relationship.
b- Maybe grew to point that I no longer needed the drama in my life.
- Use the art of compromise.
- What adjustment can I make to make things better?
11/15/2020
- Be mindful of projecting (with below commentary summary)
- Denying your own traits and then ascribing them to the outside world or other people.
- Damien said, “not what you’re look at, it is what you are looking through”.
- Projecting example: being chronically late for everything; there is always a reason outside of our control.
- Not every perception is negative. However we need to be realistic.
- Can be positive and pragmatic. Try to be pragmatist with a certain amount of optimism.
- Projecting – I am the projector. What I am seeing in other is really me. They are the screen
- Be aware that our projections affect how we see and approach someone else.
- Choose your battles (with below commentary summary)
- Don’t have to always get our point across.
- Try for 30 seconds to have no opinion about anything. So often we identify ourselves with our opinions.
- How do you not have an opinion? You can keep it to yourself.
- Silence our internal dialogue will silence our opinions. It take practice.
- Also ask how much importance we give to our opinions.
- Once check with our heart regarding my opinion, then decide if this is a battle I need to fight. What is my purpose? Will this change anything? Choose what you want to engage in.
Next Discussion: 12/6/2020
- Confront compassionately and clearly
- Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable
- Think before acting on emotion
- Maintain boundaries
- Enjoy their company more than their approval
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Discussion commentary Detail
We will look at each one of these and see if they are attainable.
I find #1 difficult. I tend to put other people first. I may need approval and put others first to get that approval.
Do not drop your own needs for the sake of someone else. Do what is best for self, will do what is best for someone else. Put out the best energy you can.
Hard to do. Women are taught in this society to put others first. Thought of as selfish if don’t. Gave example of mother preparing food for family and not eating until all have eaten. Those in older generation went through this all the time. New generations rebelling, which is good.
Think statement is if people more open about needs, relationship will be more peaceful. If not open will bring resentment. Honest about your needs. When two people are actively taking care of each other’s needs, more peace.
Should we think of greater good or should be thinking only of what we need? Better worded to say – do what you need for you to serve the great good?
#2 – Give people the benefit of the doubt.
Some people have egos or self-esteem problems. How do we get around the natural tendencies?
Say at UMS – what you resist, persists.
Do we agree with statement #2? Can’t always do. How do you do it?
If have, but don’t turn out right. Creates difficult if dealing with same group of people all the time.
Others perspectives may be valid for them, but not for me. Understand their perspective is valid for them. Context is important.
Was thinking in terms of what some person has done or said?
Never attribute to malice when it could be stupidity. Give benefit of doubt and allow people the opportunity to prove themselves. Let people know and give opportunity to prove themselves.
Gave example of spouse doing laundry. Why am I resisting when I didn’t know what I am being told? Changing my resistance to others ideas or opinions – being open to new ideas – it can be learning. Brings more peace to me inside. More peace to relationship. Be open to others ideas and learning and not take it personally. Was it really his intention to say I’m stupid? No. Other’s intentions are not to be hurtful but sharing their ways of doing things. Think this is qualifying word for this statement is intention.
How do you help create that with other person, both have to be on the same page regarding the benefit of the doubt?
The more each of us is willing to be open to other person’s ideas we model this way of being to the other. Then that person will be that way also. One person has to start. This is metaphysics.
Approach to this depends on the type of relationship. If see patterns with friends that have to right all the time.
Speak about these directly. Sometime I get ahead of myself. Don’t need to be authority or right. Say “I tried this what do you think?” Be empowering. Try not offer unsolicited advice. In my mind something may be clear, but is not necessarily right for someone else. Not make about right or wrong.
Another one of item is “confront compassionately”. How it is received is how it is presented.
#3 – Look at yourself for the problem first. – Take a long hard look at self first when dealing with difficult relationship. Before acting on something with the assumption that someone else is to blame, examine self first.
Look for solution within self that could resolve, or help to resolve differences. The art of compromise.
11/15/2020
Continuing discussion from 11/1/2020.
How can we create more peace and love with our significant other?
This topic is relevant for the whole country right now. A journey starts with one person and one step. We are going to start with us.
During our last discussion we went through the first three of the 10 way to have peaceful, loving relationships.
#4- Be mindful of projecting. Projecting refers to denying your own traits and then ascribing them to the outside world or other people.
If I am not aware I can project my morality onto someone else.
Observe behavior in someone else and make assumptions as to what is going on in someone else. Project our assumptions onto someone.
Damien said, “not what you’re look at, it is what you are looking through”.
Our “perception of perfection”. If expect perfection of ourselves, expect of others. It has nothing to do with the other, it has to do with ourselves.
Everything I experience is mine, are my perceptions, developed over my lifetime. Everything is perception.
Projecting example: being chronically late for everything; there is always a reason outside of our control. We never admit it is us. We don’t see in us – see in everything else out there. If we never see the real reason is us, we see no reason to change.
Not every perception is negative. However we need to be realistic.
If always positive will we set ourselves up to have a hard time dealing with things as they are?
Most beneficial to say everything will be ok, or, say you do have these issues which spurs you to be proactive?
Don’t think only two. Can be positive and pragmatic. Try to be pragmatist with a certain amount of optimism.
All these, are an effort to see these problem within ourselves and not someone else.
Projecting – I am the projector. What I am seeing in other is really me. They are the screen?
Thinking that is taking it too far. Projecting is making assumption of what is going on in someone else.
Film is your beliefs. Person is screen. Still project some film onto surface. Be aware of what I am running through projector and onto others.
What we focus on grows. Think so many sayings on positivity are to point you into that focus in every situation. Be positive. There is something I can do. I have personal example of projection. Phone conversation regarding charity function. I projected to the person I was speaking with that her spiritual practices were the same as mine.
Go back to awareness. Be aware of our own projection. We project all the time. We see through our own lens. Be aware that our projections affect how we approach someone else.
Re-reading from Lori Deschene’s writings, “We make countless mistakes in relationship. We expect too much. Or not asking for what we need in fear of rocking the boat. We are sometimes too competitive, too suspicious or too dependent; all in the quest for that perfect something.
Being self-aware, is far more valuable than being perfect-mostly because the former is attainable and helpful, while the latter is neither.”
Just be aware. Then have the opportunity to do something about it.
Take away screen, work on projector.
#5 Choose Your Battles
It is better to be aware than perfect. People are all different. Don’t have to have a fight about it. Don’t have to always get our point across.
Try for 30 seconds to have no opinion about anything. So often we identify ourselves with our opinions. Then who are we?
How do you not have an opinion? I can keep it to myself.
Silence our internal dialogue will silence our opinions. It takes practice.
Think important to step outside ourselves and not let our thoughts and opinions be so dominate.
Also ask how much importance we give to our opinions.
Once check with our heart regarding my opinion, then decide if this is a battle I need to fight. What is my purpose? Will this change anything? Choose what you want to engage in. Really do want to think about how impact situation. Will it make relationship better or worse? Think and decide what you want for outcome.
Question – if don’t have a job, is it easier to not have to voice your opinion?
At work we are paid for our opinions.
Retired or not, you have the right to say if something bothers you, can let them know.
Discussion will continue on 12/6/2020. We will put the notes from the first two discussions on this topic on the website for your review.
